I seem to have developed Panic Disorder or something, as my mental health has taken a turn for the worst. For the past... month now, I get a panic attack maybe 2 or 3 times a week, at any time of day or night, and they last for 2~3 hours. I get these irrational thoughts that completely take control of me, everything people say is confusing, I get hot and my heart races like a snare drum's roll. I feel like I don't exist in this world, that everything is a dream or I'm in a coma, and objects and people look so far away. I give up life and lose all sanity. Luckily, it only happened at school once, and it was mild. But it happens at home a lot, and when I went to Santa Cruz for a jazz competition. After it happens, I feel great for a few days, and kind of "forget" what happened, till I slowly develop a symptom or two and I have another panic attack at random.

Now, the only thing I can think of that contributes are the three times I've ever done drugs. I smoked weed (maybe or maybe not laced with somethin' 2 months ago, took one pill of Adderall XR a few weeks later, and ate a "special" brownie when I went to another place (which I shall not name). The adderall was kind of blah, didn't do much. But the marijuana has completely fucked my mind into a void that I cannot escape. Both times I did them, they were a very miniscule amount, and I felt like I was trapped in Hell. I know why MJ is classified as a hallucinogen, because I completely tripped out, BOTH times. I put the two experiences next to my birth as the most important moments of my life. I've never talked about the second time.

I was in a hotel room, with my 3 friends. It was the most relaxed I could possibly get (people said I needed a better mind frame and the experience would be more positive), and I barely ate a tiny chunk of the brownie. It was 11 at night, and the guy that gave it to me said not to fall asleep. I was like "Sure!" and for 3 hours there was nothing. I don't remember the transition, but suddenly, I became retarded, and said weird stuff. Everything my friends and I said was contradictory, and I didn't panic (or I tried not to). It was hardly enjoyable at all, and I couldn't sleep for another 3 and a half hours. I just sat there in the darkness my mind descending into insanity, my heart racing, the world falling. I woke up about 7, and everything was... NORMAL!! I wasn't able to talk very much, and I felt very apathetic, but glad I wasn't high. I kept reassuring myself "It'll only last a few hours..." over and over, and was calm till my friend's mom came in to tell us to pack up (we were leaving). Then everything looked far away, and it was just like the previous night. I kept trying to stay calm, but couldn't. I would walk around all over the hotel staring into space and making noises, and people looked like they wanted to kill me, so I was scared. I tried acting normal in front of teachers/parents, and it worked pretty well. They just thought I was groggy. But everything became a flashback to the other time when I smoked weed, and I began to forget lots of things.

I had to go to the lobby by myself, in sock, my shirt backwards, and ask for a key to the room and I remember thinking that I would have a heart attack and fall dead in front of the hotel. I was shaking a lot and got the stuff I left in the room and got in the van. Everything was a blur after that. It seemed like a few hours getting out of the parking lot, and everything people said was so weird. They would say things that I was thinking, and I'd wonder how they could read my mind. It was too intense, and I forced my body to just fall sleep again. I woke up and felt... normal but completely emotionless again. When people told jokes, I'd just be "Meh" and I was scared I would relapse and have a flashback. This same feeling was pretty much continued up until a month later, today. I want it to just end, but it won't let me. DRUGS REALLY BAD, KIDS, M'KAY?!